Such irony on my part for changing my blog url but almost immediately abandoning this space after..Life for me has just been bland and a routine. Ever since the sem (that is now coming to an end) began, land and water trainings have been Monday to Saturday. With the only break being on Sunday. I train so hard that I stopped being so hard on myself about what I eat and crave for. Because really, the only thing to look forward to is mealtime. And the easiest way to lift myself up is to satisfy my cravings. But of course, the guilt I will always carry, it just kicks in a little later. By the time I feel it, I can dismiss it with knowing that I'll be slogging it out on water in a few hours' time.
Recent happenings made me feel that I've lost so much of myself that I eagerly want back. I realized how much I am consumed by all the things I'm gravely committed to. My relationship, canoeing, I saved nothing of and for myself. I never, never regret anything I've done. But with my priorities especially, I do want to make amendments for myself. While I never regretted joining canoeing, its so easy to become sucked into a routine of fighting to be better, that I forget what I'm fighting for, and why I'm fighting anymore. It's only been 9 months but I've fought so hard with myself. One of the most trivial things would be watching my first drama ever since uni started when ITCC came to an end. Or in other words, having little to no time for doing things I used to enjoy. And the more significant would be spending so much less time with my family. The latter I'm more unwillingly to come to terms with. I've been contemplating on leaving the team after I step down from the ex-co, which would be roughly a year of spilling my soul into this sport. But with seniors that have been such a big part of this journey graduating really soon, it's hard to imagine continuing without them. It's gonna be more difficult deciding to quit, than it was to join. I'll have to give it more thought after giving my all this NCC.
Current routine: Paddle/ study/ sleep [Repeat]
Looking forward to the end of this week so studying can be struck off the routine.
